Quick answer: Attachment styles describe the patterns we use to seek closeness, comfort and security in relationships. Psychologists usually describe four: secure, anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissive) and disorganised (fearful-avoidant). They are shaped by early experiences but are not fixed for life — with self-awareness, supportive relationships and therapy, people can move towards greater security.
Attachment theory grew out of the work of British psychiatrist John Bowlby, who proposed that human beings are born with a biological drive to seek closeness to a caregiver when they feel distressed. A caregiver who responds consistently becomes a ‘secure base’ from which a child can explore the world, and a ‘safe haven’ to return to (Bowlby, 1969).
His colleague Mary Ainsworth put these ideas to the test in a laboratory procedure called the Strange Situation, observing how young children reacted to brief separations from a parent. From this work she described distinct patterns of attachment, and later researchers added a fourth, disorganised pattern (Ainsworth et al., 1978). Decades on, researchers found these same patterns echo in the way adults approach romantic and close relationships (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
Most descriptions of adult attachment use four broad styles. Think of them as tendencies, not tidy boxes — many people recognise a bit of themselves in more than one.
People with a more secure style tend to feel at ease both giving and receiving support. They can express their needs, tolerate disagreement without assuming the relationship is over, and offer comfort to others (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
Security does not mean a relationship is free of conflict or worry. It means that, more often than not, a person can stay connected during stress rather than shutting down or spiralling. Importantly, a secure style is not something you are simply born with or without — it can be developed.
An anxious style is marked by a strong desire for closeness paired with a fear of being abandoned. In relationships this can show up as needing frequent reassurance, reading a lot into small changes in a partner’s tone, or feeling responsible for keeping the connection alive.
Underneath is often a sensitive ‘alarm system’ that becomes easily activated when a relationship feels uncertain (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). These feelings are understandable and workable — and they frequently overlap with everyday worry, which you can read more about in our guide to understanding anxiety and stress.
An avoidant style leans in the opposite direction. Closeness can feel less comfortable, and independence and self-sufficiency feel safer. People with this pattern may value their space, find emotional conversations draining, or quietly pull back when a relationship deepens.
This is not a lack of caring. It often reflects an early lesson that needs were best managed alone, so the attachment system learned to ‘turn down the volume’ on distress (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Recognising the pattern is usually the first step towards letting others in a little more.
A disorganised style blends both anxious and avoidant tendencies. A person may deeply want connection yet also feel afraid of it, so they move towards a partner and then away, in ways that can feel confusing to everyone involved.
This pattern is more common where early relationships felt frightening or unpredictable, and it is frequently linked to unresolved or traumatic experiences. It is a completely understandable response to those circumstances — and one that responds well to patient, trauma-informed support.
Early relationships teach us what to expect from other people: whether closeness is safe, whether our needs matter, whether comfort will come when we reach for it. Warm, consistent, responsive care tends to support secure attachment (Raising Children Network, 2023).
But ‘shaped by’ is not the same as ‘determined by’. Attachment styles are patterns, not a life sentence or a personality diagnosis. Later relationships — with partners, close friends, mentors and therapists — continue to update those internal expectations throughout life.
Yes. One of the most hopeful findings in this field is that people who did not have secure beginnings can still develop security later in life — what researchers call earned security (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
This happens through repeated experiences of relationships that feel safe and reliable, and through making sense of your own story rather than being run by it. Change is usually gradual rather than sudden, and it is very possible. An attachment style is a starting point, not a fixed destination.
Therapy offers a safe, consistent relationship in which old patterns can be noticed, understood and gently reworked. A psychologist can help you recognise what activates your attachment system, make sense of where a pattern came from, and practise new ways of connecting and communicating.
At The Talk Shop, our psychologists offer attachment-focused therapy as well as relationship counselling for individuals and couples, across our Melbourne clinics and via telehealth Australia-wide. You do not need a diagnosis or a referral to start.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Raising Children Network. (2023). Bonding with babies: 3-12 months. https://raisingchildren.net.au/babies/connecting-communicating/bonding/bonding-babies
If your relationship patterns feel hard to shift, our warm, registered psychologists can help you understand them and build greater security — across our Melbourne CBD, Reservoir, Wheelers Hill and Mooroolbark clinics, or via telehealth Australia-wide. Low-cost sessions are available.
📞 Call 1300 224 665 or book at thetalkshop.com.au/contact
